PUTANGINA.
Okay, kailangan ko lang irelease ang stress. Back to work. Marami pa akong kakaining bigas bago matapos ang project ko.
Nade-depress na talaga ako. I feel hopeless. Syempre Tagalog to kasi baka mabasa ng mga non-Pinoy friends ko.
Isa pa. Tangina.
Okay, tama na. May energy na ulit ako mag-paper.
To fail is futile, but not to attempt even once is worse. So here’s my first attempt at poetry since I entered college.
Hmm, this post will be continuously edited with the help of my CW friends. Here’s to hoping that I can finally have my own freeverse.
___
DRAFT 1: A Morning Greeting
To own what is seen is something
That brings back the red in the meat
Of passion. Just how lead injures a crust of paper
More than it engraves.
It’s nothing
But a mark.
Blocks rising from what was plain earth
Of unequal sizes; each site distorts a view of the sea,
the shadows of the past, the different layers of skin.
A slice of light conquers with the swift of pace
Even just a slit of how a window pane’s inclined
Despite the time, the place, and what’s concealed
In between is gone; nothing left to see
but a morning greeting.
_______
DRAFT 2: Thanks to April for helping me out with this poem.
To own what is seen is something
That brings back the red in the meat
Of passion. Just how lead injures a crust of paper
More than it engraves.
It’s nothing but a mark.
Blocks rising from what was plain earth
Of unequal sizes; each site distorts a view of the sea,
the shadows of the past, the different layers of skin.
A slice of light conquers a slit of a window pane’s inclined
Hairline crawling to a forceful touch
And just-dried eyes could only take as much.
Despite the time, the place, and what’s concealed
In between is gone, not even in the dark,
Not even in a final respite.
My sister Memel.
Her boyfriend Aldwin.
My best blogger friend ever, Mariel Asiddao.
My blockmate Boom Angala.
Her friend Terry which I haven’t met yet.
The UP Debate Society, specifically: Jowee, Anna, Aaron, Bo, Biboy, Bianca, and some others.
What’s the common denominator? ALL OF THEM ARE GOING TO SINGAPORE THIS SUMMER!
I think I’ll be meeting UPDS in Kuala Lumpur for AUDC, and I’ll be going back to Singapore with them and most likely go with them back to the Philippines.
And also, I’ll be meeting my NUS University Scholars Program friends in Manila in June! There are 19 of them and I still wonder how I am going to tour them. But regardless of that logistic constraint, I’m still very happy! Yay to Singaporean friends! I’m even thinking of visiting them in Bago City (it’s near Bacolod, Philippines) in May but I’ll have to save money first. But yea.
Hence the title of this post.
Back to work now. I’ve been wasting lots of time surfing the net, pretending to be “gathering data” for my Language and the Internet paper, but in reality, just Facebooking, bloghopping, and Y!Mming. FTW.
Sometimes I wonder why I don’t get the things that I deserve. But strange enough, once in a while, at the most bizarre moments, I also ask the wind, the drops of rain, and my non-existent religion why I get the things that I absolutely don’t deserve.
Isn’t the world going to be a better place if all these pain were just were just equitably distributed? But to be fair, sometimes it is better for a single earthling to simply offer himself, pretend that volition is there and forget that implicit coercion is still coercion, and allow pain to devour him greedily.
I had a choice, and that makes it even worse.Can you blame me?
It’s just not fair.
** Crossposted from my LJ**
For the second time, I got drunk again here. Yes, I’ve been here for three months now yet this is just the second time that I got drunk. I really hate their sin taxes lol. Everything was just so nice— the free flow (even though it was only for a limited time), the music, the DJs, and the people. Met some Canadian exchange students and they are extremely nice. And this is the first time that I’ve pretended to be someone’s (she’s a friend I randomly met on campus a month ago, I bought a book from her lol) boyfriend just because she was so drunk, ergo, banned from the club. And yes, this is the first time that I got threatened by a bouncer that they will have “my girlfriend” arrested and even me if I continue to insist to let her enter the club. A criminal case in Singapore is something that I definitely wouldn’t want to have. Lol.
“My Girlfriend”: Hey, you smoke, that’s bad!
Me: You’re drunk and banned, that’s even worse!
Her friend (who was also banned ): That’s right, I can’t party because of you!
Waaaaz.
Everything was really worth my 16 dollars (fares excluded, around 10, so that would make it 26 lol).
The only bad thing is that I failed to do what I usually do in UP: to go to class the next day. The totally unforgettable experience was when I went to my Shakespeare Midterm Exam drunk, and still got a 1.5 haha. WTF, I missed my Language, Society, and Identity class. Screw 9:00 am classes. Good thing my hangover’s gone now. I can drink again. Before I go broke again.
Though I really want to get drunk somewhere near PGPR so I can trim down cab costs. It would also save me lots of energy, so I wouldn’t have to sleep again in my cluster kitchen for 30 minutes just because I got so drunk and lazy to go back to my room which I just did yesterday. One of my clustermate-friend even saw me, I think, but kebs, he just doesn’t know who the drunk Raymund is…yet. Hahaha.
Is it really possible to create an informed choice in a context of uncertain existentialisms? Or is the choice just carefully ideologically constructed so as to conceal that nothing but abstract, even non-existent, points just underlie every seemingly plausible possibilities? Or can delineation even surface, or is it just another construct that can be decomposed semiotically?
Then this rests on the premise that semiotic resources are absolute in themselves, that they are not even potential areas for decomposition of other semiotic resources. Hence, Derrida really has credence to talk about deconstruction. But does deconstruction even stop? Or is it just another illusory process made possible by assumptions regarded as correct but are possibly just unexamined enough?
What a complex way to think about life, and what a complex way to view life in itself. Again, the premise has to be validated. But can one really say that one is valid even though the examinable entity thinks otherwise? Who then holds the moral high ground to determine which is which?
Sometimes I wish for so many things which tend to be so much parasitic on other things. To revert to the origin’s such an impossibility, yet it remains a value to cling on.
Complexity is complex because that’s how we regard it. Sometimes Plato’s allegory of the cave just really holds value even though it shouldn’t be followed. When would the should turn to a would? Or when will it just totally detach itself from pragmaticism?
Again, thoughts are divine. But yeah, not quite.
When I was still a kid, Mum and Dad always told my siblings and me that there is only one school that we should aim to go for college. They have always wanted to develop the diligence and hardwork in all five of us so we can get to achieve lots in academics so as to prepare us for a “bright future”, and of course, that includes being able to enter that one school— that is, UP Diliman.
They weren’t from UP, and I think that explains why they wanted us to study there. They always told my siblings and me that when you go to UP, you are almost sure that you’ll get a good job after college. To the extent of saying that an undergraduate diploma in UP is even better than an MA in some other universities. And when my eldest sister made it to UP for college, I started to believe that I can make it as well; and I did.
Some things definitely changed, including my perceptions about UP when I’ve already become a real part of it. I’ve realised that it’s not a perfect paradise after all. Although the architecture is impressive, facilities remain to be very much inferior. Despite the presence of a pool of intellectuals whom I really admire, there are still stupid not-so-sensible people who lurk around you. Opportunities are potent yet some people still end up inside their own shells. And even though people truly work hard for a degree, they still end up not getting the jobs that they wanted after graduation.
I should say that I have been lucky enough… at least up to now. I found the course which I really like love so fucking love, and I think it really helped me a lot to maximise my potential in the University. And there a two best things that happened to me in my stay in the University: first, is being able to pass the very hard *grins* application of the UP Debate Society; and second, is to get a scholarship here in NUS.
Since my Day 1 here in NUS, I’ve always compared everything to UP. I keep on getting jealous with all their facilities, system, and of course, the library. Simply put, everything that developed-country-level of economy can give to a university which definitely is not in UP. All my previous blog entries seem to showcase my overwhelming feelings for NUS, grand excitement to everything here, and all the new experiences that I’m having here. I have even almost fully decided to take postgrad studies abroad and not in UP, though I said that I really want to teach in UP someday.
Yet this is the first time that I am talking about UP in the same way. This is the first time when I created a new playlist in my Media Player which only contains “UP Naming Mahal” which I keep on playing the whole day. This is the first time that I can actually feel the real meaning behind the lyrics of that school hymn. And I still do not know why I behave this way for some few days ago up to now.
UP Naming Mahal
I.
This is the first time that I really feel that I am an iskolar ng bayan.
And Sir Naval is right in saying that when we find ourselves in a foreign land one day, we will, even for once, find ourselves singing, or even just humming, the UP Naming Mahal. Who would have thought that his experiences here in NUS (he took his MPP here) would actually be passed on to me now that I’m here.
“Malayong lupain, amin mang marating, di rin magbabago ang damdamin…”
If no verbiage can be utilised to fully express my love and longing for my university, then I think I will have to just resort to the tears in my eyes while typing this entry to prove it.
For some weird reason, Malaysia reminds me of the Philippines. Although it might seem that a 3-day and 2-night stay might not merit much credence to totally see and judge Malaysia, I still think that it is pretty much the Philippines in so many aspects. Or maybe it’s just that I’ve seen only the Mainland (I dunno what’s it called, but definitely not Sarawak and Sabah Lol), or to be more specific, just three parts of it: Johor Bahru, Malacca, and Kuala Lumpur.
There is nothing much to say about Johor Bahru. We just passed by it since it is the only way to get to Malaysia from Singapore by bus. For me it is just an expressway, where highways were big and all you can see are grasslands and maybe stupid cows. Though I love the fact that you can really see the drastic change from a very urbanised and a very orderly Singapore to a very rural (maybe even agricultural? I;m not so sure though) Johor Bahru. And because I crammed for an EL3216 requirement before going to Malaysia, I just decided to enjoy the bus ride, closed my curtains, ignored Johor Bahru, turned my seat massager on, wore my headset, and watched a Thai horror movie. Perfect way to doze off, eh?
Malacca is their version of Vigan sans the rampant urbanisation of the heritage houses. I’ve thought of the best word to describe Malacca for some few hours, and I think “vibrant” is the perfect way to put it. The colours of Malacca are so much alive with its old churches, old houses, and impressive hotels. And of course, the carnival is supposed to be the most vibrant of them all. Funny bit: at first I was wondering why they have a very old Anglican Church (Christ Church Melaka) while Vigan doesn’t have one. Then I remembered that duh, they were colonised by the British and the Philippines was not hahaha.
Hotel Equatorial was amazing. They really deserve a five- star hotel recognition. I even think that it’s better than Westin and Manila Hotel (in terms of the rooms only). The coolest thing was that we got a 20th Floor room, so all we had to do was to go out of our veranda to see the whole of Malacca. The view even allowed us to see Pulau Melaka, an island in Malacca with a very big mosque. Too bad we didn’t know how to get there, or we really did not do anything to know how, since we sort of ran out of time. And it’s at the heart of Malacca so we just have to walk to reach the malls, Starbucks, and even the food centres! Yay to Peranakan Food! This was the first time to eat Peranakan food and I totally love it. I swear, I can live with just Peranakan food alone.
After Malacca, we took another bus ride to Kuala Lumpur, which Dake, Wayne, and myself call Kuala LumPOOR. It’s really disappointing. KL’s very much different from how Malaysia has always pimped it to everyone. We kept on wondering why it’s so like Cubao— traffic jams everywhere, bus routes are very inefficient, and that there are just so many people everywhere. I know economically they’re richer than the Philippines, but since I live in Quezon City which is the richest and the best city in the country that’s why I think that KL’s really ugly (physically). Though I should say that I really love the Petronas. It’s so touristy. Too bad we didn’t find their Clarke Quay or Eastwood counterpart, so we just had to spend a little more in the bar in the Ancasa Hotel where we stayed that night.
But I really can say that I love Malaysia. It’s really a must- visit country. It’s truly Asia.
And it’s pretty cheap to live in Malaysia compared to Singapore, but then again, everything would be cheaper in the Philippines.
<strike> PS: I only spent less than 200 SGD for everything. Cool, eh? I super recommend Transtar Travel Agency. And oh, all the pics are in my Facebook account now. I’m trying to upload it in my Multiply account, but the Java uploader doesn’t cooperate. I’ll try to upload them within the week. </strike>
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